An Unexpected Communion

It happened shortly after a visit last week from Karen, the hospice chaplain and friend who visits Linda regularly. We sat in the sunroom and listened to Linda as she mumbled  incoherently but keeping time with the music playing in the background.

As she always does, Karen ended her visit with a short prayer, calling Linda by name and asking Jesus to continue to be with her.

Shortly thereafter we returned Linda to her bed for her evening meal. As the caregiver, Arlene, slowly and gently placed the pureed food in Linda’s mouth, Linda slowly and clearly spoke these surprising words, “Have. . .  Communion. . . today.”

Arlene called to me to come from the kitchen where I was preparing Linda a dish of her favorite dessert, ice cream. She told me what Linda had just said. I asked if she wanted to have Communion. But, by this time, her thinking had moved on and her speech returned to scrambled words.

I ran to get grape juice and wafer which I keep on hand. By the time I returned, Linda was sound asleep.

Early the following morning before the caregiver arrived, I gave Linda her morning medication. She seemed especially alert, looking intently at me as I smiled and said, “I love you!”

I asked, “Linda, would you like Communion?” No visible response, only calm silence. I retrieved the chalice with grape juice and wafers.

Standing beside her bed, I sang “Jesus Loves Me” and “Amazing Grace.” Then I recited Psalm 23 and parts of Romans 8. She remained in uncharacteristic silence, even reverence. I prayed the Words of Institution from memory.

“We are remembering Jesus. He loves us and is with us now,” I said as I dipped the wafer in the cup and placed it on her tongue.

A slight smile and a glimmer of peace appeared on her face. “Thank you, Jesus, for loving us and being with us,” I prayed as I peered through my tear-stained eyes. She quickly drifted into a serene sleep.

It was a holy, transcendent moment of keep connection with God, one another, and “the great cloud of witnesses.”

The experience confirms the mystery of the Sacrament as well as the puzzle of the human mind. I don’t know for sure what triggered Linda’s comment, “have Communion today,” but I suspect it was Karen’s presence and prayer.

I really don’t know if she understood any of my words as I recited Scripture and sang familiar hymns. I can’t comprehend what was happening in her world as I placed on her tongue the signs of Jesus’ self-emptying love.

This I do know: There was more going on than can be intellectually understood by either Linda or me.

Furthermore, the most important ministry is PRESENCE! The chaplain’s attentive presence likely kindled an embedded memory and a connection that cannot be broken by brain disease!

 

 

Homily for Alzheimer’s Remembrance Service

 

Alzheimer's Awareness


[Below is the homily I delivered at an Awareness of Alzheimer’s Service held in the chapel of the retirement community where we live in recognition of Alzheimer’s Awareness.]

 

On a cold, rainy November day in 2009, Linda and I sat in the doctor’s office at Duke Medical Center awaiting the results of a series of neurological tests. The look on the faces of the doctor, nurse, and social worker foretold the somberness of the news.

With pathos in his voice and moisture in his eyes, the doctor said, “All the tests indicate that you, Mrs. Carder, have Frontotemperal Dementia.” There was that dreaded but suspected word “Dementia.”

Life hasn’t been the same since! Every aspect of our lives was altered—location, vocation, relationships, finances, and even how we understand ourselves, others, and God. The journey of “the long goodbye” confronts those on the journey with demanding challenges and perilous threats.

Little wonder that “dementia” has surpassed cancer as our most dreaded disease. It erases our past, transforms even family members into strangers, threatens our identity and sense of worth, and robs us of our capacities to think coherently and act decisively; and it cuts us off from community, thereby marginalizing and relegating us to a kind of exile.

Our family has lived with dementia for ten years. We know its devastation firsthand and experience it every moment of every day. I would not minimize the anguish involved, nor deny the relentless grief it entails.

But the awareness of Alzheimer’s and other dementias has deepened my awareness of two core affirmations of our faith. Let’s be aware of these affirmations as we remember those who live with these dreaded diseases called “dementia.”

One, our identity and worth and dignity do not lie in our individual memory, our intellect, or our capacities. We live in a hyper-rational, intellectual society that places primary value on productivity. Our sense of worth is derived from what we know, what we can produce.

We have bought into the Cartesian notion, “I think therefore I am.” Dementia relentlessly confounds our thinking and strips away our capacity to produce. But, it does not diminish our identity, our in worth, our dignity.

Our identity, worth, and dignity lie in the One to whom we belong, the one who breathed into us the divine spirit, nephish, stamped the divine image upon us, and redeemed us in Jesus Christ.

A Hebrew prophet of the Exile, declared “But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you: I have called you by name, you are mine“ (Isaiah 43:1).

We may forget who we are, but God does not forget us. We may forget God, but God has engravened us on the palm of His hands!

The author of First John states it clearly: “See what love the Father has for us that we should be called children of God. Beloved, that’s who we are! We are God’s children now! It does not yet appear what we shall be, but when he appears, we shall be like him for we shall see him as he is” (1 John 3:1-2).

Our worth, identity, dignity and destiny are derived from this: We are created by God out of love, we bear the divine image, and we have been redeemed in Jesus Christ!

When Alzheimer’s or other dementia causes us to forget who we are, it is our responsibility as community and family to hold one another’s identity. We do so by treating those with dementia with the utmost respect, compassion, attentiveness, accepting their gifts, knowing their stories, loving them for who they are now and not simply for who they have been.

That’s the second affirmation I’ve had reinforced by living with dementia for a decade: The purpose of human existence is to share in the Triune God’s dance of love. After all we were created out of love and sustained by love.

Love really is the only thing that endures. In the Apostle Paul’s hymn to love, he reminds us that knowledge passes away, tongues (language) ceases, but love never ends. He further declares in Romans that nothing in all creation, and that includes dementia, can separate us from God’s love.

Linda has lost all recollection of our 57 years of marriage and she only occasionally recognizes me.

I often wonder if she knows that I love her. I assure her throughout the day with caresses of her face, brushing her teeth, combing her hair, feeding her, seeing that she is cared for respectfully and with dignity. I operate with this manta: When in doubt, love!

I know this for certain: Linda has expanded my capacity to love without expectations or reciprocity. Still, there are those moments of deep connection when her love breaks through her confusion and incoherent speech. Sometimes it’s a squeeze of the hand, a momentary twinkle in the eye, a fleeting smile.

And, occasionally there comes, seemingly out of nowhere, a verbal response. Yesterday morning as I was feeding her, I looked into her eyes and said, “Linda, I love you!” With unexpected clarity, she responded, “That’s so good!” That’ll do me for several days!

One of the nurses  who has cared for Linda the last four years remarked during a recent visit, “Linda has been loved to life!”

We all have been loved to life! It is our great privilege and divine calling to love one another to life! After all we are persistently loved to life by God!

As we love the most frail and vulnerable, those with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia, we are fulfilling the commandment Jesus gave his disciples: “Love one another as I have loved you!”

And, we are bearing witness to the Transcendent Love in which we live and move and have our being

Motivating Gratitude

 

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Our daughter, Sandra Nash, is the director of social services at White Oak Manor, a long-term care facility, in Newberry, SC (here). She recently posted the following on her Facebook page:

Moments of Thanksgiving at Work

As many of you know, I work in a long-term care facility, White Oak Manor in Newberry. Today I had a couple of different situations that really moved me. As I was walking down the hall, I greeted one of our residents, “Good morning! How are you doing today?”
Instead of what I expected, just a short reply “fine,” he responded, “Good morning! I am so thankful to be here!”  He said it with such assurance and like he really meant it!

Wow, here this man has had to give up his independence, many of his possessions, and is separated from his family and his reply was that he is thankful to be here!

In a separate situation, a resident was brought in by EMS after being in the hospital for a week or so. As he was being wheeled down the hallway towards his room, I heard him repeatedly say to staff members as he passed them how happy he was to be back. When I followed him to his room and talked to him, his eyes filled with tears. He emotionally said, “I am so glad to be home! I am back with my family,” referring to the staff and other residents.

These two men showed me how, no matter the challenges one may face, you can still find gratitude. How grateful I am to have found such a rewarding profession!!!

I’ve been pondering Sandra’s experience with my own sense of gratitude – gratitude for Sandra whose relationship with society’s most frail citizens is characterized by respect, compassion, kindness, and sensitivity, as well as skill and professionalism.

But her experiences with the two men also remind me of a profound truth: genuine gratitude springs from giving and receiving love!  Exuberant gratitude isn’t the dominate expression one hears in nursing facilities where people are absent from families and where the institutional bottom line is often efficiency and finances.

What a difference it makes when staff members see residents primarily

  • as stories to be heard more than symptoms to be treated
  • as welcomed guests rather than sources of needed revenue
  • as beloved children of God with inherent worth and dignity instead of problems to be overcome
  • as participants in the Triune God’s dance of love as opposed to dreaded chores to be done
  • as persons with gifts to be shared more than as frail recipients of paternalistic care

The two men Sandra encountered live with gratitude because they know that whenever and wherever we are loved we are “at home.” May we all know such gratitude, and may we be means by which others experience “home.”

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Prayer after the Election

 



praying-hands_1027_1024x768Sovereign God of justice and compassion, who judges all peoples, nations, institutions, and political parties: We pray for your mercy and guidance in the midst of our nation’s political turmoil and division.

Reconciling God, heal the painful wounds inflicted by our sharply partisan politics which elevates winning elections above honesty, respect, and the common good. Free us from narrow self-interest, insensitivity, and arrogance so that we can be agents of reconciliation in our families,  neighborhoods, and congregations.

Compassionate God, replace our hearts of stone with hearts beating with your life-giving mercy and kindness. Open our eyes to the hurts of others, clear our ears to hear the anguished cries of those who suffer,  transform our clinched fists into hands of generosity, and widen our arms to embrace all whom you love and for whom Christ died.

Righteous and holy God, whose righteousness is unyielding justice and whose holiness is unblemished love, empower us to defend “the orphans, widows, and immigrants” and purify our love of the blemishes of exclusion, superiority, and privilege.

Resurrecting and triumphant God, who in Jesus Christ conquered the powers of sin and death and is ever bringing order from chaos, liberation from bondage, reconciliation out of brokenness, strength from weakness, hope from despair, life from death: Grant us a renewed vision of your present and coming reign and a deepened commitment to seek first your kingdom and your righteousness.

To you, O Christ, belongs our final loyalty and through the power of the Holy Spirit, enable us to love you more dearly, serve you more faithfully, and praise you more joyfully. Amen

 

Prayer of Lament and Longing

gsblog2God of Love and Peace, who created us to live in harmony rooted in mutual respect, compassion, and justice: We have lost our way and now wander in the toxic wasteland of cruel hatred, shameful disrespect for the dignity of others, and the normalization of verbal and physical violence.  In such a time, our prayers seem powerless and we cry out, “How long, O Lord? How long?”

Hear our laments and turn them into actions on behalf of compassion, justice, and peace.

  • We lament the coarseness of our public discourse, while we long for civility
  • We lament the disrespect for those who differ from us, while we yearn for mutual respect amid our differences
  • We lament the tribal nature of our politics, while we long for commitment to the common good
  • We lament the inequity in our economics,  while we want all to have access to your table of abundance
  • We lament the arrogance of always having to be right, while we desire the humility to live with ambiguity and mystery
  • We lament the hatred and cruelty within our life together, while we hunger to love and to be loved

Move through the dark recesses of my own heart, O God, and purge me of all hatred, arrogance, prejudice, and ill-will. Create in me a clean heart and put a right spirit within me, that I may be an instrument of your Love and Peace. Amen.

Gleanings from Responses to “Why I Changed My Mind about Homosexuality and the Church”

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Much to my astonishment, more than 60,000 people have read the blog entitled, “Why I Changed My Mind about Homosexuality and the Church.” (here)

The shear numbers speak volumes about the feelings associated with the topic. People want to discuss the issue in a common desire to discern a faithful way forward.

This is a teaching moment and many people are listening and eager to share. The church must be a compassionate participant in the conversation.

Another surprise: Less than 2% of the 60,000 expressed explicit disagreement with my position of full inclusion of LGBTQ people in the life and ministry of the church. That says to me that people are more open and accepting than we often assume.

With few exceptions, those disagreeing have been respectful and civil in their opposition. Less than a dozen were mean-spirited, which suggests that we can have a civil conversation while disagreeing!

The most poignant revelation in the responses is the extensive pain and deep hurt people are carrying. The stories of rejection, cruelty, ostracism, and struggle are heart-wrenching.  Some contacted me personally to share wounds they are afraid to expose publicly.

While there are those who say that the language currently in The Book of Discipline (here) is compassionate, thousands of people are hearing and experiencing rejection, hatred and exclusion.  Regrettably and sadly, the language is being used as justification for bullying, demeaning, and ostracizing God’s beloved and faithful people.

Tragically, the hurtful message is coming from the institution that exists to bear witness to God’s boundless love and radical hospitality!

I’m even more convinced that the current official language violates two of three United Methodist General Rules:  “Do no harm” and “Do all the good you can.”  Our pronouncements are inflicting terrible suffering on individuals and families; and we are denying the church of the witness and leadership of many gifted persons whom God has called into ministry.

We must get inside the pain within ourselves and those most affected by our pronouncements and policies; otherwise, we will continue to inflict wounds rather than contribute to reconciliation and healing.

An additional gleaning from the responses:  Considerable confusion exists as to the meaning of “authority of Scripture” and the role of the Bible in Christian formation and living.

I grew up in fundamentalism. Taking the Bible seriously is indelibly etched into my heart and soul. I challenge anyone who concludes that I fail to take the Bible seriously or reject its authority. It’s because I take Scripture seriously and authoritatively that I can’t take it literally.

Getting into the world and transformative authority of the Bible is arduous work, requiring that we

  • struggle with its original contexts and languages,
  • locate ourselves in the stories and let them read and transform us,
  • wrestle with its deepest questions and probing ambiguities,
  • listen attentively for God’s divine Word within the human words,
  • read each specific passage in the context of the whole narrative of God’s revelation from Creation to God’s supreme revelation in Jesus Christ,
  • strive mightily to embody and live its core message of love for God and neighbor.

It is through that struggle along with the engagement of our tradition, reason, and experience that I have come to believe that the exclusionary language in the Book of Discipline should be removed. Removing the language, in my opinion, is an act of faithfulness to Scripture.

I accept that others who take the Bible with equal seriousness differ from my perspective and conclusion. I claim no infallibility or superiority in understanding. We all read Scripture within our own personal and cultural context and experience, which limits our understanding.

Scripture, therefore,  is to be read and interpreted in community. We need one another to challenge, question, and expand our finite perceptions, but always with respect, humility, and mutual longing to be faithful disciples of Jesus Christ.

The responses to the blog post also confirm my conviction that legislation will not resolve the issues or silence the conversations.  Legislation results from a coercive exercise of political power by a small minority representation of the whole, operating within a strict time frame and emotionally charged environment.

Regrettably, open conversations are only beginning in many local congregations. From my experience, local churches are much better able to deal with the issue of human sexuality than is a legislative body.

In our local congregations,  the issues are personal, not abstractions; and with appropriate encouragement and assistance, congregations can deal with volatile issues with civility, compassion, and humility. I’ve witnessed it, as recently as last Sunday!

Many of the responses to my reflections have come from members of the LGBTQ+ community. They clearly exhibit the fruits of the Spirit–“love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control” (Galatians 5:22). The whole church needs their presence, leadership, and witness!

Finally, I have been confronted again with my own need for repentance for my blindness, silence, and complicity in the church’s discrimination against LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. I voted for the exclusionary language in 1984 and 1988 and I have been publicly silent too long.

My prayer is that God will forgive and empower me to bring forth fruits worthy of repentance, and that the church will fully embody the reconciliation and hospitality entrusted to it by the Triune God.

 

 

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A Plea for Honesty

honesty

The normalization of dishonesty and deception threatens our common life. Lying has become an accepted political strategy and an applause line at public events. Whether done by Democrats or Republicans, it is just plain wrong!

Dishonesty destroys trust, rips apart the social fabric, and infects society with the deadly diseases of cynicism, corruption,  fear, and animosity.  Like an open infectious wound, lying contaminates the environment and threatens the health of others.

Honesty is an indispensable quality of character, and character does matter! Albert Einstein stated it succinctly: “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”

Jesus said it long before Einstein: “Whoever is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much; and whoever is dishonest in a very little is dishonest also in much” (Luke 16:10 NRSV).

We have a right to demand that our leaders tell the truth! Lying for political gain is dangerously corrosive to more than politics. It threatens the survival of civil society and diminishes our basic humanity.

Restoring truthfulness and integrity to our life together begins within our own hearts and relationships.

My prayer today is that God will deliver me from my own temptation to put personal gain above honesty and free me from complicity with the normalization of dishonesty.

 

 

“The Opposite of Poverty Isn’t Wealth”

During a presentation Tuesday evening in support of Wesley House Community Center in Knoxville, Tennessee, I spoke on the topic “From Poverty to Privilege: A Personal Pilgrimage.”

Drawing on my own experiences growing up in Appalachian poverty and now being among the privileged, I shared some of the perils and lessons of both poverty and privilege.

Among the points I made is the temptation of those with economic resources to live in bubbles of privilege, isolated from those without resources. We privileged ones have compassion perhaps and want to help; so we adopt the poor as “projects,” objects of charitable mission.

Having been “a project,” or object of charity, I know how demeaning that can feel. Nobody wants to be treated as a project, an object! We all want to be a person! The poor need friends, not project managers!

Mumve Dandala is the former presiding bishop of the Methodist Church of Southern Africa. He says, “The opposite of poverty isn’t wealth; it’s dignity!” He adds that often our mission efforts, though well intentioned, rob the recipients of their dignity.

Bryan Stevenson writes,“The opposite of poverty is not wealth. In too many places, the opposite of poverty is justice.”

The opposite of poverty isn’t wealth; it’s dignity nurtured in solidarity, friendship, and justice.

 

 

 

 

Prayer of Justice

I am part of a weekly study/discussion group. We close each session with the following prayer, the author of which is anonymous:
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Grant us, Lord God, a vision of your world as your love would have it:

  • a world where the weak are protected, and none go hungry or poor;
  • a world where the riches of creation are shared, and everyone can enjoy them;
  • a world where different races and cultures live in harmony and mutual respect;
  • a world where peace is built with justice, and justice is guided by love.

Give us the inspiration and courage to build it, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.

“She’s Been Loved to Life”

Clasping hands 2Linda entered Bethany, the memory care facility, in May 2015. It was a painful decision for us.  The subsequent eighteen months were the most excruciating I have experienced as she declined cognitively and physically.

By April 2016, she had lost 20 pounds and was becoming increasingly frail. After extensive medical evaluation, Linda was approved for hospice care.

She remained in Bethany for another six months. Confusion, fear, disorientation increased. She was gradually forgetting how to eat and walk. Her weight loss continued.

She was unable to perform minimal personal care, which made her ineligible for “assisted living.” She had to either be transferred to skilled nursing or taken home with full-time care.

I wanted her home! I asked the nurse practitioner for a prognosis of time remaining. Understandably, she was reluctant to project a time. But she said, “Perhaps six months to a year.”

It is now October 2018, thirty months since Linda was admitted to hospice care.  Although she can no longer walk and is confined to the bed and dependent for her personal care, she is more peaceful and less fearful.

“I would never have thought that she would still be with us!”  The nurse practitioner said with amazement during a recent visit.

As I stroked Linda’s hair and caressed her forehead, a pleasant smile and twinkle in the eyes appeared.

The usually stoic nurse said with evident emotion, “She’s been loved to life!”

Tearfully I responded. “We are determined to provide three things for her–physical and emotional safety, appropriate comfort, and the assurance that she is loved just as she is.”

“It’s obvious that she has all three. I just wish everybody could have what Linda has,” remarked the experienced and compassionate nurse.

I feel enormously blessed that Linda and I are both surrounded by love, and it is love that gives us life.

We are blessed with two daughters who love their mother with the unselfish love they received from her; and their families, including our grandchildren, share that love.

We have the help of caregivers to whom caring for Linda is a sacred vocation.

A couple from church bring a meal each Thursday, simply because they care.

A neighbor couple drop in almost every day to lend support.

I, too, wish everyone could have what we experience! Is that not what God desires for the human family–safety from unnecessary danger, comfort amid loss, and unconditional love and care?

We all need to be “loved to life!” Isn’t that why the church exists?